Sunday, February 21, 2010

Death & Things

Today I found out that one of my best friend's best friends died a few days ago in a car accident. This person was someone I knew, liked well, and considered a friend also.

1. It's weird how terrible news like this instantaneously shook my thoughts around like beans in a jar and rearranged my perspective.

2. I usually am aware of feeling adrenaline and anger in my arms, like a physical pain from emotions running through my veins. Today for the first time I noticed grief in them. After my initial reaction had a little time to settle - concern for my bestie and the gravity of this loss for him - I felt loss of my own. This was someone I loved and respected, also. Grant Folland was kind-hearted and enjoyably intellectual. His voice has been in and out of my head all day, and I caught myself automatically smiling when I tried to visualize him standing in front of me.

3. "When a parent dies, you are left having to go through all of their belongs, all of their crap, because that's what it becomes... You may love some of this crap because its remind you of them. It never becomes more clear, though, that it really is crap than at that moment because none of these things will bring them back." Helping me, and being overwhelmed by all of my belongings that she doesn't care about, my mom summed it up pretty well today. I have to get to NYC asap. In order to do that, I have to finish packing, complete a garage sale, and set up the craft room at the new house. I've been pussyfooting around facing my belongings and getting rid of things I'm attached to, but don't need need, for almost 2 months. Today I was more productive than I have been in weeks. I'm open to getting rid of a lot more things now, if I think it can help me buy a plane ticket. As much as this death is a loss, the motivation is a gift.

4. Oh man, it sucks though. It really, really sucks. ... This was a great mind, a good person, a life unlived, and a family that must bear the loss. My mind says, "No!", when I'm reminded of the realization. Not to mention that one of my support stems just lost one of his.