I woke up with kaleidoscope eyes

p.s. this entry is s'allabout me

I dreamt that I was continuing a fictional facebook conversation with a friend. In ICanHasCheezburger talk, I was informing her that if we were going to be planets, it was I to be Earth, not Mars. Woke up with a flood of one-line thoughts and now they're all gone, to remember that the planet dream.

The one good thing about Katrina is that when I go to google today, there is a link right there, saying, "Information, resources, and ways you can help survivors of the Haiti earthquake."

It's been two months since I quit smoking and I am absolutely insane. It's great. ...well no, it's absolutely difficult. It is as if a whole lot of repressed crazy is now publicly visible that cigarettes had previously kept at bay. I cry easily, feel road rage now, and have to find other ways to cope with anxiety. I think I got one speeding ticket 10 years ago. In the past year, I've gotten FOUR, each of them within the first 14 days of not smoking (it's taken a few tries- I think the average is six-I'm talking about six balls-to-the-wall, Wholehearted never-agains) Hi. So, I don't speed anymore and I appreciate the boring power of cruise control, and driving at night I become jerkingly paranoid that every vehicle approaching from the rear is about to pull me over, then I realize I'm driving 64mph, not to mention how boring it can be when you can't smoke.

A lot of people say quitting smoking is the hardest thing they've ever done, and I was looking forward to accomplishing the hardest thing they've ever done. But I don't think so. It's just the beginning. The worst part of not smoking is giving up control. I know I'm going to get upset or cry, in front of someone, and I don't know when it will happen or what will trigger it. (Um, getting a ticket is a trigger). So to speak in riddles...

It's like I've let the crazy aerate and I don't want anybody to see it, for fear of being judged and discovering a false friendship. Instead I'm discovering that I have the best friends and acquaintances in the world, every time I'm forced to share a negative experience with someone, and they reveal themselves as compassionate and, even nonjudmentally seeing through my bullshit, calling an ace an ace. Having a witness in the room naturally forces me to acknowledge that I'm the one driving myself crazy, and it's okay to just stop. And kind of, I go to great lengths to try and not seem paranoid ("I'm sure everyone thinks I'm paranoid.") or too emotional, or whatever. But it's really only in being exposed that things go away. I don't think I have just one guardian angel, I think I have several. Sometimes I feel like Selena Kyle or Dr. Jekyll waking up after an episode as Catwoman/Hyde. Except it isn't Batman that saves me. I do. And when I can't, someone else ALWAYS does. So basically, it's been two months now and I just moved back to St. Louis and my life is full of big changes and I'm scared shitless, even though I'm not, I am, I was, subconsciously, and it freaked out of me and there was a witness and friend-in-need-friend-indeed stuff and totally humbling=Balancing. poof. and the crazy is gone.

In conclusion, I think I need to jump out of a plane. But just thinking about it terrifies me. Just thinking about it. Maybe I'll watch Vertigo today. OH! I finally finished watching Stephen King's It, the reason I'm afraid of clowns. It took me three days to finish, but I did and it was a good thing. *spoiler alert*...?...I'm not a fan that the predator revealed itself as a giant, sinister-looking spider. This paragraph can be summarized by Suze Orman, something about her being a firm believer that action is the ONLY way to dispel fear, fog, or confusion. Obama says something in Audacity of Hope about how folks are folks and rich people do want the poor to get rich, and poorer people he finds more often have higher levels of self-criticism and higher expectations. (I'm talking myself up because am dealing with all of my belongings from my entire hoarding packrat life that have now collected into one overwhelmingly crammed basement and surrounding areas. *faint*)

The only way out is through, and it always seems to be a messy, exposing, humbling shitshow that I'm glad happened. So will the next month be. It's nice to be back in STL, traveling was fun, kind of can't wait to get settled though-moving in a month, and I love not working but I'm kind of ready for a source of income. Once again, solutions all point to stripping.:) The end.

Dreams

Repeating themes: Disaster at my alma mater, Witnessing Space Launch Fail, Apocalypse, Violence, Death, Begins in day & ends in night

I had pretty intricately violent dream last night about zombies infecting the entire population of London/NYC/Loyola University Chicago which were the same place. On a sunny afternoon, I watched one rocket take off without a hitch. The second took off and slowly lost velocity and I watched the fire in its butt go off and it fall out of the sky and explode less than a mile in front of me.
Wounds on victims turned purple-bluish dead color and these sick/deceased people immediately turned aggressively homicidal a la Dawn of the Dead.
This escapade ended with me and a few other women taking off from my modern-style glass-walled iron-gated mansion on motor cycles as the last living souls in London.

Only reason it's significant is what's going on in my life right now and how repeating themes arise throughout the years. Restless sleep enables me to remember colors and details...instead of flowing through emotions in a dream, the baseline emotion is fear and my eyes are wide open in the dream, recording everything in minute detail. The inventory they are taking ---> witness to disaster, mass destructions, personal danger.

I'm afraid I might be making the wrong decision about directions in my life. I'm afraid that passively pussyfooting under clouding fears, passing time might make a decision for me. ...ehh ehhh! =>rockets explode before me in my dreams. The last time this happened, in my dream I watched the rocket from my grandparents' shady front porch. In my life at the time, I was stressed over finals and declaring a major.

Starbucks

I think those baristas at the coffee shop in the morning are crazy hyped on coffee.

Meanwhile, the patrons have not had their daily dose yet.

It's like droids and jumping beans, and a counter in between.

Playing a Musical Instrument

1. Lower-Level Brain Structure
a. reticular formation
b. medulla
c. cerebellum
2. Description of How the Lower-Level Structure Is Involved in Musical Performance
a. The reticular formation keeps Steve awake and alert during the performance.
b. The medulla keeps Steve's heart beating and lungs breathing by sending neural messages through the autonomic peripheral nervous system.
c. Controls the muscles of Steve's fingers strumming the guitar.
3. Upper-Level Brain Structure
a. temporal lobes
b. sensory cortex, parietal lobe
c. motor cortex, parietal lobe
4. Description of How the Upper-Level Structure Is Involved in Musical Performance
a. The temporal lobes interpret the sound Steve is playing, so he knows if he's off or not.
b. When his fingernail strums the guitar, Steve's feels the sensation through his sensory cortex, telling him how hard or soft he is strumming.
c. Steve's motor cortex transmits signals his fingers to play accordingly.

So, how's your girl?

What should I do with my life? Where should I live? Why can't I find a man? These are the questions that plague me on a daily basis. The third one... deleted! Not important! The second one... depends on the first, so don't worry for now. The first question... so I pushed the possibilities of my current position to its max, and I'm looking at what to do next. I know I want to be challenged. I know I need to be able to flex my intellectual muscles to be happy and maybe specialization is a good idea for me. I've been thinking a lot about law school. I think maybe I've been surrounded by law students for so long I think this might make me happy. I think I automatically gravitate toward it because it seems legitmate and challenging, and I'm hungry. I don't think law school is the answer http://lawandletters.blogspot.com/2007/11/why-you-shouldnt-go-to-law-school.html

F u, law schooL! so what should I do? Art therapy vs. Business Administration? That is the arena we face today. I am interested in art therapy and helping people. I'm kind of more interested is building something and growing it, like a business. Museums and forensics also interest me. But browsing things I would want to eat breathe and sleep for several years (number one: color theory), I also have to pick something responsible, that will support me financially.
So I'm feeling really lost and alone right now. And then I fixate on something, like law school, that soothes my mind. Intense. Impulsive. 11 hours until yoga.

Peppermint tea

Sore Throat? Peppermint tea. Feeling crabby? Peppermint tea. Good for breakfast. Good for bed. Caffeine free. Fun filled. Especially if its nice and strong. Aveda's loose tea is a little weird, but I guess it's supposed to be especially 'natural'. It kind of coats your throat a little bit. Peppermint tea is the kind of thing I have to be in the mood for, but when the mood strikes and there's some around it's allllll gooooooooood.

My New Bike

OOOOHhh.