Friday, January 22, 2010

I woke up with kaleidoscope eyes

p.s. this entry is s'allabout me
I dreamt that I was continuing a fictional facebook conversation with a friend. In ICanHasCheezburger talk, I was informing her that if we were going to be planets, it was I to be Earth, not Mars. Woke up with a flood of one-line thoughts and now they're all gone, to remember that the planet dream.

The one good thing about Katrina is that when I go to google today, there is a link right there, saying, "Information, resources, and ways you can help survivors of the Haiti earthquake."

It's been two months since I quit smoking and I am absolutely insane. It's great. ...well no, it's absolutely difficult. It is as if a whole lot of repressed crazy is now publicly visible that cigarettes had previously kept at bay. I cry easily, feel road rage now, and have to find other ways to cope with anxiety. I think I got one speeding ticket 10 years ago. In the past year, I've gotten FOUR, each of them within the first 14 days of not smoking (it's taken a few tries- I think the average is six-I'm talking about six balls-to-the-wall, Wholehearted never-agains) Hi. So, I don't speed anymore and I appreciate the boring power of cruise control, and driving at night I become jerkingly paranoid that every vehicle approaching from the rear is about to pull me over, then I realize I'm driving 64mph, not to mention how boring it can be when you can't smoke.

A lot of people say quitting smoking is the hardest thing they've ever done, and I was looking forward to accomplishing the hardest thing they've ever done. But I don't think so. It's just the beginning. The worst part of not smoking is giving up control. I know I'm going to get upset or cry, in front of someone, and I don't know when it will happen or what will trigger it. (Um, getting a ticket is a trigger). So to speak in riddles...

It's like I've let the crazy aerate and I don't want anybody to see it, for fear of being judged and discovering a false friendship. Instead I'm discovering that I have the best friends and acquaintances in the world, every time I'm forced to share a negative experience with someone, and they reveal themselves as compassionate and, even nonjudmentally seeing through my bullshit, calling an ace an ace. Having a witness in the room naturally forces me to acknowledge that I'm the one driving myself crazy, and it's okay to just stop. And kind of, I go to great lengths to try and not seem paranoid ("I'm sure everyone thinks I'm paranoid.") or too emotional, or whatever. But it's really only in being exposed that things go away. I don't think I have just one guardian angel, I think I have several. Sometimes I feel like Selena Kyle or Dr. Jekyll waking up after an episode as Catwoman/Hyde. Except it isn't Batman that saves me. I do. And when I can't, someone else ALWAYS does. So basically, it's been two months now and I just moved back to St. Louis and my life is full of big changes and I'm scared shitless, even though I'm not, I am, I was, subconsciously, and it freaked out of me and there was a witness and friend-in-need-friend-indeed stuff and totally humbling=Balancing. poof. and the crazy is gone.

In conclusion, I think I need to jump out of a plane. But just thinking about it terrifies me. Just thinking about it. Maybe I'll watch Vertigo today. OH! I finally finished watching Stephen King's It, the reason I'm afraid of clowns. It took me three days to finish, but I did and it was a good thing. *spoiler alert*...?...I'm not a fan that the predator revealed itself as a giant, sinister-looking spider. This paragraph can be summarized by Suze Orman, something about her being a firm believer that action is the ONLY way to dispel fear, fog, or confusion. Obama says something in Audacity of Hope about how folks are folks and rich people do want the poor to get rich, and poorer people he finds more often have higher levels of self-criticism and higher expectations. (I'm talking myself up because am dealing with all of my belongings from my entire hoarding packrat life that have now collected into one overwhelmingly crammed basement and surrounding areas. *faint*)

The only way out is through, and it always seems to be a messy, exposing, humbling shitshow that I'm glad happened. So will the next month be. It's nice to be back in STL, traveling was fun, kind of can't wait to get settled though-moving in a month, and I love not working but I'm kind of ready for a source of income. Once again, solutions all point to stripping.:) The end.

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